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Style File News: My Grief is Beautiful

September 10, 2019

style-file1Hey everybody, it’s another edition of Style File News and today I want to talk a little bit about how we can get through grief after the loss of a spouse.

So, some of you may know I lost my husband July 2017.  It was a roller coaster of grief that came in waves.  I went through a series of emotions that was mostly full of anger and pain and I was mad at everyone.  I felt more hate than I had ever felt and I’m usually the one telling my daughter to never hate anyone in her life.  But when he died…that’s all I could do.  I hate my faith, I hated the ground I walked on the air I breathed.  What turned it around?  For starters I left California behind.  I moved two months after he passed.  I moved with my daughter, my granddaughter and her husband.  Life’s been different and certainly on a good uphill climb.

I started back with my photography and discovered something I had not discovered before and that’s taking my grief and my pain and turning it into something beautiful.  The first day he told me I looked beautiful was when he was sick and not long before he passed.  That was the first time in all the years we were together he ever told me that.  So I started taking a series of photographs to photolog my grief as I transformed myself into something I never knew could be possible.

Rene2The first of the series came during the first winter we had.  I poured out all of my makeup, I had purchased new eye makeup and decided I was going to do something different.  Finally come out of my comfort zone.  I allowed myself to be humbled which in turn comforted me.

Through my grief I learned a lot about myself.  My strengths, my weaknesses, what my pet peeves were, what my triggers were.  These are things I had not really focused on or had to focus on until he passed away.

Rene3The second photo of the series came when I was feeling saucy.  I wanted to showcase a different side of me.  One that I never really show outside of my own bedroom. 🙂 But it really opened me up to new experiences.  I especially like this photo because my hair has started to grow and it shows the length here.  And it’s fun playing with filters to get different looks that really bring out the best in a person.

But in the interim of things and as life continues to change from one year to the next, playing with filters is just that, playing with your true looks.  Getting away from the filters is something I wanted to do because I wanted to show myself in the trueness of my rediscovering myself.  And I know it’s hard for people who are reading this to think that I can turn something as tragic as losing my husband into something that says, “I am beautiful.”  No…what it says is my husband made it a point to tell me not to spend the rest of my life grieving for him.  He made it a point to tell me to get on with my life and live it to the fullest.  Travel.  Enjoy me.  Get involved with someone new if that’s what I wanted to do.  In the second year of his being gone I am starting to do just that.  Live my life to the fullest.  Enjoy being me.  Rediscover myself on a whole new level.  Do some travelling which I plan to in 2021.

Rene52Ok…so the third picture is one I think I am pretty happy with because it was taken around the time of my birthday.  It’s the coming of life.  Embracing this time in my life where I am finally comfortable with “me.”  I follow a lot of plus sized women pages and the photos I saw reminded of me a time where I truly loved who I was.  I loved the skin I’m in.  And my daughter pretty much told me that I had no reason not to be comfortable with myself.  So I took this picture to say I am still here.  I am still moving forward with my life. I am still rediscovering who I am and I am still redefining life as it is.  This is a picture that I would have not ordinarily taken but after hearing stories of other women who are weight challenged I started thinking, “why I am being so down myself?”  I am not a bad looking woman!  Why was I letting myself be torn down.

ReneThis last picture is another favorite.  It’s been said that people who knew my husband and I and my tragic loss, that in this picture, they can see a glow in me.   the glow that says I am starting to live.  Well…that…and the fact that I’ve discovered makeup like I’ve never discovered it before.  Plus my husband did not like a lot of makeup.  He told me several times that he wished I didn’t wear it, not even the little that I did.  I told him, “I’m sorry but I am not walking around looking like Plane Jane while you admire other women fixed up all nicely.”  That included dressing down from my usual style to meet him in the middle with jeans and T-shirts, which has never been me.  And the few times I did he was happier than a kid in a toy store for the first time.  I do not over do it with my makeup.  I wear just enough to wear I feel good…and I feel good about myself.

In closing, I hope you like these photos.  These past two years have been about growth, rediscovering life, and moving forward to embrace all that life has to offer.  Grief will consume you if you let.  People grieve for the loss of their loved one in many different ways.  Think about how your loved one would have wanted you to remember him/her and how they would have wanted you to move on with your life.

If you’re struggling with grief after the loss of a loved one.  Let me talk to you about helping you find comfort through photography.  Contact at today to discuss the many ways your life can be transformed.  This may not work for everyone but through today’s modern times there are different avenues and platforms that are provided for us to grab hold of and find some sort of relief.   I’m here for you.

Updated 9/11/19

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